I keep thinking, “He would be five today.” Five years old. He would be going to kindergarten next month. He would be learning something new every day. I wonder what kind of boy he would be. Would he love to play ball? Would he be learning to ride a bike? Or would he like cars, especially red ones? I wonder what he would like.
I keep thinking, “He would be five today.” I wonder if he would bug his Dad to take him fishing. Would he want to go to work with him? Would he idolize his Daddy, as boys tend to do? Would he want to be just like Daddy? I wonder who he would be.
I keep thinking, “He would be five today.” Would his favorite cake be chocolate or strawberry? What kind of toys would he be begging for? Would he like computer toys or cowboys and Indians? Would he want to have tools just like big guys have? I wonder what he would like.
I keep thinking, “He would be five today.” I wanted to show him all about life. I wanted to teach him to ride that bike. I wanted him to beg for a story and to climb in my lap. I wanted to clean the chocolate frosting off his sweet face. I wanted to have him here, giving me hugs and clowning around. I wanted to roll in the floor with him and tickle his little toes and I wanted to pinch his cheeks and pull his nose. I didn’t want to wonder what he would like, or who he would be.
I keep thinking, “He would be five today.” I miss my little boy. I miss him for the precious baby he was and for the boy that might have been. I miss him for the memories I have and for the dreams that could have been. I miss the firsts in his life. His first step, his first word. I miss launching him into life…toddlerhood, kindergarten, adolescence, and graduation. I wanted to see who he would be.
I keep thinking, “He would be five today.” I cannot believe the years have passed. I cannot believe our family has survived without him. But I know we really haven’t. He has always been here. He will always be here. He is a part of our lives. We hold him in our hearts…and yet…I still wonder who he would be.
He would be five today.
By Lisa Sculley In loving memory of her son Joey, 7/16/92 to 10/7/92.
Sudden Infant Death Syndrome