Posts Tagged ‘Miscarriage’

I was depressed, but I don’t think anyone could tell.

I took a sip of my drink, the local beer Piton, and it reminded me of college, Pearl Jam — that song “Alive.” I felt anything but alive as I tossed the book I couldn’t get interested in aside, threw on shorts and a tank over my swimsuit, and decided to take a walk. I told my husband to watch our kid, who was splashing around in the pool.

Ten months earlier, I lost a child. Not my first. There have been six altogether. Six pregnancies. Six losses. The last one was the hardest one, because I was five months along when he decided to leave this earth. One minute I was in labor, and the next minute I was being handed a list of funeral homes and crematoriums.

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In December 2014, I suffered the devastating blow no pregnant woman wants to endure. I walked into my OB/GYN office hoping to hear good things, but instead I leave after hearing, “I’m sorry, we can’t find the heartbeat.” Nothing was more devastating at that moment.

I had a missed miscarriage, something that was completely oblivious to me until December 2nd, 2014. I had never heard of a missed miscarriage and no one I have ever known has had one. I would be lying if I said that I didn’t feel invincible at nearly four months pregnant. I figured I was past the common miscarriage stage and it was so unlikely I would make it to June 9th, 2015 without my precious baby.

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Confession: When I was pregnant or trying to conceive, I hated hearing stories about pregnancy loss and stillbirth. It wasn’t just because I felt sad for the families involved (though I certainly did); I wanted to pretend that such losses didn’t happen to women like me — those who went for regular sonograms, took prenatal vitamins and avoided risky behavior. Hearing stories of tragic loss spoiled my happy delusion.

Two miscarriages and a stillbirth later, much has changed, yet much remains the same. I am now the woman whose story many prefer not to hear. Mention of my baby can silence a room. I am a painful reminder of the fragility of nascent life. For some, it is easier to resort to platitudes, pity or a quick change of topic than to listen to what I am feeling or what I’ve been through.

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The following piece was supposed to be submitted to an anthology that will be titled “Mothering Through the Darkness.” The stories it will contain when it comes out will center around mental disorders during and after giving birth and especially postpartum depression. This was difficult for me to write, and despite sitting down to work on it periodically, I missed the deadline. I chose to finish it though because I felt that it has been an important part of healing and a testament to what my daughter has done for me.

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Forever Our Angel

Fly so softly on your golden wings
Join in the chorus when the angels sing
For Aaryn’s like is a story of love
Our beautiful baby, sent from above.
Though you have parted, you answered one prayer
My seeing your spirit shining there.

I know now why you left us so soon
To watch over your sister still in my womb.
Forever our angel you’ll always be
Our sweet baby Aaryn, we love thee.

So fly little angel, so softly above
Forever our hearts will hold your love.
Fly little angel, so peaceful and bright
Giving us meaning for living our lives.

By Cyndi Kellman, In loving memory of her baby, Aaryn Miscarried in her second trimester, March 29, 1993

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