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Posts Tagged ‘Loss of A Child’

I was depressed, but I don’t think anyone could tell.

I took a sip of my drink, the local beer Piton, and it reminded me of college, Pearl Jam — that song “Alive.” I felt anything but alive as I tossed the book I couldn’t get interested in aside, threw on shorts and a tank over my swimsuit, and decided to take a walk. I told my husband to watch our kid, who was splashing around in the pool.

Ten months earlier, I lost a child. Not my first. There have been six altogether. Six pregnancies. Six losses. The last one was the hardest one, because I was five months along when he decided to leave this earth. One minute I was in labor, and the next minute I was being handed a list of funeral homes and crematoriums.

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Patricia Araujo hopes to bring comfort to women and families suffering the devastating loss of a child or pregnancy by sharing her story.

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There were many reminders when I went for my routine gynecological check-up that morning. The waiting room where I had looked up baby names on my cellphone, trying to find the perfect middle name to go with the first name we had selected. The fetal monitoring room where the medical assistant had searched for my baby’s heartbeat, trying to look nonchalant as the minutes ticked by without success. The office where I had waited anxiously for my husband to arrive and learn the sad news that our son had died in utero at 31 weeks gestation.

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Losing A Baby

I have never wanted to stand out. There is a certain amount of fanfare and fuss that comes with infertility and loss but of course, it isn’t the good kind. When the most important thing in your life is something you have no control over, and being let down by your body has such far-reaching consequences, all you want is to fade into the background: to be average, to be a normal family.

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In the winter of 2005, my second son was stillborn well into my third trimester. I had, at that time, a living son who was almost 3 years old. When I recall that winter, I remember that the hardest thing my husband and I did was explain to our toddler that the baby he had been promised would not be coming to live with us.

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Technically, I didn’t lose him, I find that to be such an odd term. I know exactly where he is. His body is buried in a cemetery at my childhood church, just a mile or two from my home. His grave, meticulously maintained during his grandparents’ daily visits, is peppered with tiny trucks, tractors and superhero figures. I drive by that church every day and even after all this time, its still such a stark reminder. There’s a small stepping stone that reads, “If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.” So true. He was certainly loved. Because of my faith, I know his soul is in heaven with someone who loves him even more than I do. His laughter fills my mind sometimes as if he was right beside me. I can still hear his voice, “Fol, fi, sis. Come find me, mommy,”….

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