When I awake in the mornings, my arms ache for you,
though I’ve never held you.
Tears roll from my eyes knowing that you are not here.
Emptiness sets in my heart when I realize you are gone forever.
Don’t want to face the oncoming day.
I have no strength, no spirit, no desire to go on.
But I do, for some unknown, unmerciful reason.
How I miss you my precious baby, my precious child, my sweet baby boy.
Though you’ve never been outside my womb. I know how beautiful and
lovely you are.
Would you have had your daddy’s eyes? My skin? Whose hair?
Would you have taken after him? After me? A combination of both of us?
I think yes.
So many things I think of that is of you…
I can smell the baby smell you have… including your poopie diapers.
I can feel your tiny mouth on my breast as I feed you.
I can imagine kissing your little mouth with no teeth.
Throughout the day, I see you, envision you doing different things.
I see you smile. I hear you laugh and cry and scream and coo.
I see you standing there looking at me.
I see you reaching out to me.
I can imagine what you feel like when I pick you up.
I hold your teddy bear like it is you. But it’s not.
I could not have ever imagined the loneliness I feel.
You were a part of me.
The evening sets in. I wonder how I made it through the day.
Looking back on it, I did nothing but cry and miss you.
Couldn’t do anything else.
Couldn’t think of anything else.
We shared one heart.
You were mine.
You were ours.
You are mine.
You are ours.
Know that your mommy loves you, Liiloa.
I will forever. I miss you, my son.
Written by Su Wong for her son Liiloa 3/23/01- multiple cardiac anomalies